Friday, December 31, 2010

A Legendary Rant by Kevin Smith

Something motivational for today. Considering it's New Year's Eve it seems appropriate. So here I've copied out a rant that Kevin Smith posted on Twitter a few weeks back. This rant is a rare bird and I encourage everyone to follow him on twitter (@thatkevinsmith) or check out his free smodcasts from where this tweet was copied from (

Smith is a large man to say the least and has been loosing weight since October, which I believe began right after he finished filming his latest movie Red State. Over the summer he was dejected from a plane because the flight attendants believed him to be too large to fly, which was horse shit. He has since been on the defensive about his weight but likewise advocating a healthier lifestyle that included copious amounts of sex, pot, and cigarettes.

Now for his rant:

Dec. 30th, 2010

We’re all too fat, sir.

But weight loss, while a frustrating proposition, is the key - because when you’re thin, you’re healthy, & nobody bothers you - so life’s always a non-caloric-cupcake-&-firework party!

However, having met one or two thin people (or “normies”) in my life, I’ve been able to glean that it’s also not always a picnic being skinny. So if life blows for fat and thin people sometimes, then it’s all relative - except for your packaging.

So remove the whole “IF I CAN JUST GET THIN, EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER!” bullshit and approach the weight loss with a realistic perspective: losing weight will solely make you thinner & heart-healthier. Other than that, it’s no different from being thin - except all the sweating & getting a hard-on for Devil Dogs.

So when the fantasy factor of weight loss is eliminated (fact: your life may stay the exact same & your problems may not suddenly evaporate), you’re left with un-hyped, non-augmented truth: when you lose weight, you’re doing just that: losing weight.

Now - if you need to attach drama to weight-loss, as a sort of motivator, there’s no better gas in the tank than the simple desire to shut motherfuckers the fuck up. S’fun to watch the endlessly opinionated suddenly choke on a reality they’d never prepared for: the mutable you.

Folks wanna cast you in a walk-on role in the movie of their lives: they wannna minimize you to one aspect/role/title that their self-esteem can handle. Don’t settle for being a last-billed extra in some other prick’s feature; be the goddamned STAR of your OWN movie. The best revenge is when folks who’ve tagged & bagged you suddenly realize their true roles: they amount to little more than a footnote in the film of YOUR life. Then? #CuttingRoomFloor

Now, I’m not spectral communicator & I don’t claim to congress with the dead. But I doubt ANY of this can be accomplished from the grave.

As far as I know, you get one life. Milk it, sir. Chocolate-milk it, if you’ve gotta, but milk it for all it’s worth (without harming others). Treat yourself like you treat the things you own: bag & board your life & put it somewhere fuckers can’t bend your pages, maybe even framed.

But whatever you do, don’t even whimsy about ending shit. It all ends soon enough, without our input or agreement.

Drop a little weight and it’ll be easier to drop a little more. For me it’s more about portion control: I’m an American, so everything I eat is like four feet tall. On Weight Watchers, I’ve been rocking the Smart Ones meals, which I’m using to train myself to remember that two boxes of cereal in one sitting is not a meal; it’s a freak show that belongs on the boardwalk at Coney Island, in the summertime.

Make the portions smaller. It’s the thing no chubby wants to hear, but it’s the only path: eat less & exercise. I’ve been doing that since November first and I’ve lost 40 pounds now. And if I can do it, ANYBODY can do it. I’m the laziest, fattest slob I know. My gut has a gut. But I’ll go Christian-Bale-In-The-Machinist before I give this wicked, wicked world one more second of my life any earlier than I’ve gotta…

Batman watched his parents get killed and rather than crumble in defeat, he opted to stay above ground to make sure the same didn’t happen to anyone else. Granted, Batman is fictional… but then, so are most of the people you look up to. They’re fictional, too: you don’t see their struggles, you only see their wins. Life is a zero-sum game: there has never been a winner.

Find a role model: someone who’s done this life in a way that inspires you and use the lessons of their life to enrich your own (hands off Gretzky, Lunchbox: he’s mine). But find a role model, not a hero. Learn from others but be your own hero.

Long story short: next meal, eat less.

Meal after that? Eat half.

Leave food behind. Start like that.

In a week or two, step it up a little: go out walking. Bring an iPod (I recommend loading with some SModcast Network shows). Walk for 10 minutes. Then 20. Then 30. Increase weekly.

A week will go by. Then a month - at the end of which, you’ll have lost some weight. It may not be a breathtaking amount, but it’ll be enough to make you wanna lose a little more, maybe. And then a little more.

But you can do this. Just know you’re going to do it ALONE - and that’s okay. This is YOUR journey. From time to time, even when nobody else understands why, we have to act against their grain - to get shit done.

Expect some taunts and teases from the swine. I suggest finding a somewhat less-traveled road (but always let someone know where you’re going); and to paraphrase Teddy, a walking stick’s good for balance and for making fucktards think twice about shooting their mouths off.

So no more of this suicide bullshit: how the fuck do you know you’re not the one who’s supposed to cure cancer? Or change shit? Or inspire the one who will change shit? The flick has three acts, sir; stay above ground - or you’ll never know what was possible; just what wasn’t…

So today, eat only HALF that Ho-Ho. All this week, eat only half the Ho-Ho. Next week, it’s Anti-Claus time: meaning NO Ho-Ho. Ho-Ho’s won’t vanish in our absence: there will always be Ho-Ho’s. Months from next week, maybe years even? You can have another Ho-Ho - after which, you may mutter to yourself “Wasn’t worth it…” because that Ho-Ho becomes an hour walk to even make a dent in the caloric burning department.

We’ll lose weight, @thedarkknight98 - that’s easy. Much harder to lose: the yapping, negative swine.

Like herpes, they’ll be with us always.

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